pretense. jealousy. condemnation. issues. self pity. the failures of man. inevitable. uncontrollable. JESUS. KING ABOVE ALL. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. I give all my cares to Him. Everything. I don't want any. don't want no jealousy. want pure pureness. of heart. want to continue living in His fairyland. don't want the harshness of the fallen world. want nothing but to cuddle in my Father's arms. don't want to look at my own. my own fails. my own is worthless. my own is without confidence. why Lord, do u want me? why Lord, are u so good to me? why Lord, do i always fail u? why Lord, can't i just shine like u want me to. why Lord, that even as i'm typing this u're cuddling me, embracing me? why Lord, u don't give up on me?
Lord, despite my failures, despite my pettiness, Lord, thank you Lord, that i still know that You are for me. and Lord, i ask that u really secure the friendship between us, Lord that u don't allow anything to come through it and seek to destroy this sisterhood. this divine friendship. Lord, i thank you that u don't condemn me, and i thank you that u free me from the condemnation i feel. i love you Lord, simply cuz of the fact that You love me. and that You are KING above all my circumstances. woohooo... always feel so much better i talk to u. thank you Lord, that u're courting my heart every single moment. bringer me closer. closer. show me Lord, a deeper revelation each and every moment of my life, of Your Love for me o Lord. I seal this prayer in Jesus name. Amen.

haha here i am blogging again... OH MaN!! today Pearlyn is very very happy!!! Only stumbling block: my stupid heels.... hiyo i'm so not gonna wear heels to school in a long long time... so leh chey and painful... stupid... just all for thinking of looking nice on the 1st day of school haha.. vanity vanity!!
hmmm... well where shld i start from? ok i shall start from the thing that made me most most happy.... that is, having dinner with ahma and ah gong just now... really, it's been so so long since i had a nice family meal with my 2 old folks!! hmmm... just looking at the joy on their faces when we were eating, made me feel so warm... and... like just now at ntuc, when pa told me how he really felt so good to be able to bless ah gong and ah ma... i felt so so.. nice... and really, i was gonna tear already.. really... it's been such a long while... and like they've had a hard life all that, and even til now ahma gotta work... really felt great to see them happy!!! oh man... Hmmm... another thing that made me very happy... was that mummy got a payraise... as she puts it... an incredible pay raise... oh man, praise God man!!! Really really, at the dinner table just now, i felt that i was the most loved and blessed child around... really... my mood... undescribable... felt so much like singing for joy... singing singing... if not for the atmosphere that didn't allow me to... i'd just haf started singing... whoa...puts a smile on my face even as i'm typing now... i feel so so blessed!!! hmmm... what added to the blessed mood, was all that happened earlier this morning... in school... i said in yesterday's entry that i was actually fearful of going back to school... fearful not only cuz of the heavy workload i gotta bear... but also cuz of the overshadow of last sem... how i really did not enjoy my sem, how i didn't haf a life at all, how i didn't noe many ppl, how it'd again take me awhile to start opening my mouth to speak up in class without starting to blush like crazy...... i was so fearful that all that would be re enacted this sem... last nite, i even cudn't sleep for quite a while... well well... today, i went to sch for my first lect of the sem... soci lect... i went with Jason and his friend gwen... hmmm... it was so.......... unbelievable... i saw so many many pple i noe around... church ppl, ex tutorial ppl, etc etc... Everywhere i turned, really... and ALL of them were so friendly toward me!! Like, extraordinary favour!! Even saw Phan, this Thai girl that i met on one of the first few days of sch last sem... only had lunch with her once... then after that i didn't see her again... then today i saw her, and she remembered me, and my name for that matter... quite shocking... And Jason's fren, she looks like a darling too... very sweet and wen rou... noticed the way she was eating lunch just now.. so... gentle.... unlike chor lor Pearlyn... who broke her broom when washing the toilets.. haha... anw moving rite along... OK that's not all... U noe the lecturer lecturing me... it's Dr.Tan Ern Ser... From Christina's CG.. where i used to attend last time... i.e. i know him personally, and his wife!!... Oh man... whoa.... then after the lect, i went forward to just say hi... and like when i talked to him, i felt so welcomed.. i was like, hi sir... and he was like, hi Pearlyn... in a very welcoming way... i wasn't even asking any soci related questions... just there to say hi... haha, then someone else wanted to ask him sthg, and he halted that person just to talk to me... and he just asked me if i was attending the other CG etc.. man... i felt so VIP... Haha.. This is really like God's divine favour on my life lor!! Just as i prayed last nite before going to bed... and there'll be more and more to come!! just as Yvonne was telling me, i'll no longer be alone and no life, because I have Jesus in me, and i'll draw pple to me, naturally, as they are attracted by the Christ in me!!! Whoa i'm really excited by 2005 man!! all the thing's He'd show me!!!

hmmm... i'm gonna try to complete this blog entry without using too much time... (ie without losing too much focus haha) Well well... today... i went to the birdpark together with my beloved papa... to take pictures... actually was supposed to go for lunch with lydia, joan, charis, and jia... but well they didn't update me again so i decided to just go with pa lor... later felt a bit bad when joan called me... hmmm... anw, it was really such blessed time with papa... i really really love it, when i go out together with him... always makes me feel so... loved... hmmm sometimes he says i've changed to become no longer that little girl, but well, i noe i still am... and in case Pa u're reading this, i still am your little girl and will always be... :)
anyways, hmmm the birdpark... took a lot of shots... but well, quite disappointed with most of them.... esp when i uploaded to the computer... then so xing tong when i had to delete so many... all my efforts... esp when i took so many in the fear that the birds will peck at me... haha... they were all so close la... the parrots... after i came out of that place... i tell u, i had to recover from shock... haha...
hmmm... well, i had a good time... only hindrance perhaps, i was disturbed that i was starting school tmr... really... i hafta say, that i'm actually afraid to.. sigh.... my heart was just filled with, wat if i can't cope with the workload this sem? wat if this? wat if that? hmmm sometimes it's really easy to say i trust God and everything... but these fears are very real fears... and... hmmm... well it's ok... i noe it'll soon go away... cuz my Jesus is good... and He fights my battles...
and nomatter how i feel, nomatter how terrible things seem in my own little perspective, my Jesus sees a bigger picture... and all things are made beautiful in its time... since He brought me thus far, from an impossibility to even enter into NUS into a possibility to now fulfill my dream, what else can't He do?? Praise Jesus...
Hmmm... well moving rite along, just this morning, i was thinking, hmmm... shld i start journalling more on my written journal? yea... considered... esp after talking to daren last nite... realised it was a while since i really did that on a long term basis.... but...... hmmm then again, when i thought about it, i realised, that the period in which i journalled a lot was really the time when i was so sad and so down... and like, almost my entire journal was filled with sad memories.. haha i remembered, that at that time, haha when i was happy i felt no reason to write anything, unless i was like super duper happy... when i was sad, that was where i vented my anger and sadness and everything... hmmm really, those were the days... and i really thank God that He's made me a much happier person now, and really, now even at the littlest blessing He sends forth to me, i want to record it down, i want to be a testimony!! i want my life to be 'living to show the glory of God' in me and thru me... and i am so heartened when pple do see that in me!!! Hence, haha i'll just continue blogging... and hmmm... my journal, yea that's still gonna be where sad stuff go... but, it's not going to be much... and whatever i face, He'll eventually shine thru... in Jesus name amen!! Woohooo!!!
Ok this entry's preetty long... so i shall stop here.. haha... :)

OMG i can't believe i forgot to add this... Aliza... darling she remembers me... OMGOMG... she remembers me!!! she was actually with another teacher... then the moment she saw me, she just ran to me and i hugged her.... oh man i felt like i was seeing my daughter haha... the love.... oh man... hmmm... then rite, when i realised that she'd moved up to preschoolers... i was so so disappointed... no more under my care.... sigh.... but well... she remembers me!!!!!!!!!! then rite, i remember like towards the end of the 1 st svs she was going to the toilet with another teacher from ps.. then she saw me and just waved at me... i didn't even realise until Nancy pointed to me... Oh man.... *mellltttssss* Aww... really, though it's really tough sometimes to take care of the kids, i say it's so worth it... Then Yuzhen and i were like just talking about how nice it'd be to actually see them grow up and then for all u noe, 20 yrs later we'd be telling them, we were once ur nursery teacher... At that time we'd be sending our own kids to the children's church... Oh man.... awwww......

hmmm... best.... OMG Daren actually found my blog... that is so...... so.... i'm speechless.... the openess of the internet... Oh well, moving rite along...
Today was a very very tiring day for me... like, really... serving today... the 1st svs kids... my goodness... yao wo de ming... it really seemed as though all the babies were crying la... wah tell u... so terrible man... OMG.. ermm really didn't help that i only slept at like 2am last nite, plus the fact that i cudn't exactly sleep... Oh man.... ya, then just now the class so unbelievably noisy... and like Geraldling just passed Chrystelle to me... and she just just kept crying non stop... as in... non stop... my gosh, where do kids find the breath to cry non stop?? haha.. well... after a zillion yrs, or so it seemed, 1st svs was over... and then came in the 2nd svs kids... oh praise God, the bunch was much much quieter and guai than the 1st bunch.. oh man... but by then, i was too too tired to even speak already la... whoa... and the 2nd svs time was when i had to do the story telling... i was like, Oh God, i'm just gonna screw this up... and, really made it worse that the head of the dept was in the room with me... Oh man... i was damn nervous la... Luckily in the end i still trusted God that He was in control, and praise God it turned out quite ok afterall... Pheww... ya... Oh but i do wana say, that there was, something that did brighten my day, a lot... that is, Ryan's smile... oh man... His smile... just totally totally melts Pearlyn's heart la... like each time i looked at him and smiled, he smiled back a most beautiful smile anyone could imagine... and there was a moment... *classic moment, according to Yuzhen* where he showed this funny face, that was so so cute-ly funny... ah man.... *mellttss......*
K anw, yea after serving... i felt as though i was a walking zombie la... so funny... for one of the first times... i actually fell asleep during svs... oopss... haha... luckily i didn't miss much cuz it was a lot of repetition from fri bs... Alrites... that's all i'm saying today.... can u believe it, this entry took about 2 hrs to be written.... well well.... the dangers of msn... haha...

hmmm today... i wish to write... alot alot... Praise Jesus... before that, i just wana share about this little revelation that God placed in my heart just now during campus... it was at the time when coach Maddy asked us to picture ourselves standing on the mercy seat and worshipping.. knowing that we're standing on ground that's already burnt before and will hence not be burnt again... Hmmm... suddenly i recalled this verse, can't remember where, where it is mentioned that the devil is trampled underfoot by us already... and another verse where God says He'll make our enemies our footstools... I then pictured myself standing on the mercy seat, having the law (10 commandments) under me... and i realised that it is in the same way, that the devil is under my feet... ie. he can only take charge when we choose to take out the law from inside the mercy seat and let it 'reign' over us... Yeah... dunno if i'm explaining myself properly... or even if this is probably an already known revelation to many... only that i'm discovering only now... Well anyhow, I was blessed... Heee....

Okaes... nuff said about revelation haha... hmmm... i really wanna praise God... for a nice time of bonding with the jc west a girls... they are a blessing indeed... and..... I also wana thank God for all that He's done in my life thus far... I mean like, just now, Angie sang the song... ermm dunno the title... But i love it so much... it's like, when i'm weary, and i don't noe at wat position God has placed me, and i hear that song... it just touches my heart...

i press on towards the goal,
i reach for the prize,
that i may know You more fulfill Your call on my life,
i forget what's behind me,
and look straight ahead,
let Your hand always guide me,
guide me to the very end...

Rocks rite? anw, my Lord is just so so good to me... really... Like just now, i saw this poster recruiting for a part time clinic asst at my house downstrs the clinic... very interested leh... am gonna go for interview soon i think... really pray i get it... haha...

Oh, just now when coach Maddy asked us to like put wat we don't want under the mercy seat, wooo i just told God, i wana put watever r/s stuff under the seat, for i just wana stay single and happy this yr... i felt relieved...
Hmmm really really, let not your heart be troubled... if God said it, it must be do-able... like recently i've come under attacks that made me lose my joy quite a bit... won't elaborate... anw the verse really really speaks to me... Praise God...

Ohh... hmmm i really donno... but i think i saw my ex neighbour (long lost in fact), auntie winnie's daughter at campus.... i mean, i haven't seen her for quite a while now already.... but i... think i saw her.... oh well, how nice it'll be if it's really her... i remember, when i was little, auntie winnie used to buy so many many goodies and everything for me and my brothers... and always photostat many many exam papers for us... Oh man... hmmm... Ok Lord, i pray one day i'll get a chance to ask that girl if she's auntie winnie's daughter... oh man... if she is, then it'd really be such a small world... Praise God...
Alrytes... i'm going off now... cuz Clinton needs me to do sthg for him... Oh well, till nxt time... Byes...

P.S: My heart's all out to help the tsunami victims... i wana pack food... Oh man... i still got things to say... it's about pastor's last nite bs msg... oh shoots.... it's about the end time prophecies of the bible... Luke21:25... u all non new creationers, go look it up... it'll bless u.... maybe nxt time i'll touch more... heehee... :)

Anddd..... lastly..... i'm so glad i'll be serving tmr!! Praise Jesus!!!