Lord, u noe what, i really feel very very condemned now.. like... sigh... i thought i'd had things all worked out, i thought i have got it altogether now... but Lord, i'm so wrong... i'm still such immature Pearlyn, so weak, so in need of You Lord... Lord, i see no difference, no difference at all, as in i was 17... Lord, why Lord, did he hafta come back into my life... Why Lord, am i so so so mean each time i see him... Lord i am so so afraid to face my past Lord... so so afraid... that sense of insecurity... that sense of... guilt... that sense of... being so lost and confused... Lord, it just tears me down Lord... You noe, each time i see him, i just feel like i gotta put up a front, a facade, and not be who i really am... it's just so..... the jitters i feel before meeting him.. and then the all too natural facade of mean-ness (if there's such a word) when i do meet him... words can't even describe the condemnation that i'm feeling now... And like, it really doesn't help that he was trying to be nice, and like i just found myself hurting him all over again... Lord!!!!!! i just can't help it! Lord, i can't Lord... i can't face this Lord... this turmoil, torture... Save me Lord... from just all this...
i just wish that ya noe, we never got together yrs back... maybe things would have turned out differently... maybe.......... a thousand words, my heart yearns to say, yet when i speak, emptiness sets...
to him if he's reading this... i just wanna really really say i am so sorry... and that i...... i don't even noe what to say to u... i really can't go beyond "sorry"......