oh man. i miss jo.. i really do... she is just so anointed, and so strong in Him. I just spent some time reading through her most recent multiply entry, which i so always enjoy doing so cuz of no.1 her very beautiful style of writing and no.2, more importantly, the beauty of her journey with Him, as i always see her being so strengthened by Him, in every circumstance. Lord, that is the kind of life i yearn for, the kind of journey i desire. A double portion. Can i have a double portion of that anointing? sometimes i just feel, that life's so much of a contradiction of me. A moment's laughters, another's tears. Having a whole foray and myriad of emotions striving for foremost place in all of my predicaments, sometimes it just feels as though life is just slowly being drawn away from me.
Indecisiveness. the very element that is so innate in me; the very element that always disgusts me. Sometimes i feel that I am a walking contradiction no doubt, certain times waiting, pinning for things i shouldn't yearn for, at others giving up affairs i never should. The worst part of the entire thing, is that more than half the time i know not what i should have held on to, and what i ought to have let go.
Why am i letting gloom dominate at this point? is it totally attributable to the studying for exams that have been so mercilessly boring, or is it just a well part of one of my current episodes of indecisiveness, and canny unknowingness of what i ought do?
I say a mixture would do good in explaining. Pardon me, but at this point i feel justified in using a most familiar (to me at least) statistical term to explain a phenomena like this. Mediation. indecisiveness --> exams-->gloom; or does it work the other way? see, my point exactly. whatever.
Well at least, at least i have a Hope. At least i know for sure, that my God WILL bring me through this eventually nomatter what junk i seem to feel now. At least i am secure, in knowing, that this too shall pass away. That, when i am weak, then He is strong. Something that John brought up a few cgs ago, which i've since clung on to. At least i know i'm not Pearlyn of the past, having gloom and expecting doom. I HAVE a HOPE. A Hope which never fails. Beat that.